It's All My Fault

In the major relationships I've had, the end of 75% of them were my fault. To attempt to insure clean breaks, I've moved three times. For those attempting a clean break and moving away to a new life, a piece of advice: it's really best to end the relationship BEFORE the move. Seems like common sense and yet.....

Okay, the reasons I moved had nothing to do with the relationships in question. But in all cases, I choose moving and a new direction over the relationship. I made a few big decisions early on based on my presumption that high school "love" was meant to last. They all turned out okay, even though I ended up at a great school that was way too close to home, but I always wished I'd made those decisions for different reasons. From then on out, I figured I needed to decide what I wanted first and then see what happened next.

I guess I figure things this way: I don't really have a plan for my life. But I do have goals and things I want to do. When opportunity presents itself, I want to move across the country if that's what seems the next logical step.

Some people say that's selfish and cold-hearted. I think it's realistic.

I understand that compromise is key to making a relationship work. But too often, I see friends interpreting "compromise" as "doing anything to avoid being alone." Fuck that.

When you realize at that crucial decision-making cusp that what you want and what your current partner wants are two different things, you may as well go your own way and be happy about it. I'd rather be lonely now than resentful and a horrible bitch later.

The way I see it, I have to be honest about what I want out of life and go from there. Personal relationships are important. They can be worth compromise and sacrifice -- but only when the two people involved are on the same page. If you want the same things and are building toward those things, sometimes it's worth it to "take one for the team."

Maybe some day I will find a person with whom I'd be willing (and happy) to take a 12-hour road trip, or get lost in Laos, or want to choose paint colors for a kitchen --- a person with whom I could have a relationship worth compromising between what I want and what we want, because the "we" part of the equation works. Maybe some day.

But for now?

I'm single.

It's all my fault.
And I'm not sorry.