I Wanna Talk about Me
I DON’T wanna talk about me. Right now, me is my least favorite subject. I have been in a major self-loathing phase for about 6 months now. I’ve been here before, but never for this long. I’m not sure what the whole problem is, but I’m guessing it is mostly stress with a pinch of mid-life crisis thrown in for good measure. A couple of years ago, I lost a substantial amount of weight. Last year, I gained almost 1/2 of it back. I just can’t seem to get myself caring about me again. It sucks.
I have a lot of icky qualities and wish I could change. I’m not close to my family. But I have nothing in common with any of them and seem to contact them more out of obligation than desire. I have few friends that I stay in contact with but desperately want to. I just don’t feel like any of them would want to hear from me. I cannot pretend that I like someone. If I don’t like you, I can’t fake it. Talking to you is absolutely horrendous for me. (This is the number one personality flaw of me). I cry when I get angry. I can’t (or maybe won’t) stick up for myself in a discussion. I’m a big chickenshit when it comes to conflict. Someday, I will just explode because of the frustration.
I’ve never felt like my dad loved me. I asked my mother about this last year and she basically said that he is just disappointed with how my life has turned out. Geez. I was pretty happy with it up until that point. You know, now that I think about it, it was right after that road trip with mom that I started gaining weight again and did nothing about it. My parents also told me, when I was 12, that no one would ever love me if I was fat. I’m bound and determined to prove them wrong. But then, I don’t even love me at the moment. I’m very disappointed in how my son is living his life at the moment and blame myself. I know he is the one that has made the bad choices, but I just can’t help but wonder what I have done wrong to make him do all this stupid shit. I need to get over this because I never want him to feel about me, the same way I feel about my dad. Of course, I think he takes pleasure in making me feel bad and/or stupid. Somedays he can be a real ass.
Okay, rant/pity party over. Carry on.
posted by Cooth at 2:11 PM
3 Comments:
You've got a point about the boy -- you can be disappointed in the behavior without being disappointed in him. Though I can see that that would be hard right now.
Personally, I'm all in favor of jettisoning toxic family. You didn't chose them. If you can't get along with them, or if being with them brings out all your worst qualities, then minimize your contact. Unless they provide some amusement, like my brother.
And you know how I feel about the rest of that.
2:45 PM
HANG TOUGH....I feel about my Mom like you do your dad. hmph. parents. Tb is still 'young'...things could change drastically. And if not? He's the only one that's making that decision now. Kids have come from much much less ($$ & family-wise) and made much out of themselves. Know I'm here, & ALWAYS love to hear from/about you!!
For this subject matter, we all pretty much suck at it, huh. It'll get better, I SWEAR TO YOU ALL. ;-)
6:04 PM
P.S. My fave place to "shop" has been K's closet forEVER - she's the fashionista that spends more than $4 on a pair of jeans & such. But lately? Her FAT CLOTHES she's giving me 'cause they "just are TOO BIG" (yes I called her a bitch) (to her face) (she understood) are NOT.BUTTONING. shitdamn ratbastard.
8:03 PM
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